I was forty-five minutes into crafting the perfect message. Deleting. Rewriting. Practicing the exact tone that would finally make her understand why her behaviour hurt me. Why our friendship had become so draining. Why I needed her to show up differently. I’d had enough.
My chest was tight. My jaw clenched. I'd rewritten the same paragraph five times, trying to find words that would change her, fix things, make it all okay again. Delete. Edit. Rehearse. Retype.
Then I stopped. I stared at the screen. And I asked myself a question I'd been avoiding: "What if she never changes? What if she never understands? What if I'm fighting a battle I can't possibly win?" Was this text really going to solve all the problems brewing in our relationship? Probably definitely not.
The ONLY PERSON you can change is YOU. I know it, but I’d let it slip whilst getting embroilled in the tange of a difficult friendship. I need to remember and accept that. Not because her behaviour is okay. Not because I don't care. But because I cannot control it.
Two words surfaced in my mind that I'd heard weeks earlier: "Let them."
Let them be who they are. Let them make their choices. Let them not see my perspective. Let them continue behaving how they choose to. Let them not show up for me, let them feel the distance grow between us. Let them, let them, let them.
Something shifted. My hands dropped from the keyboard as I realised my job wasn’t to fix or fight or change anything at all. Just let them. The tightness in my chest loosened just slightly. I'd been fighting a battle I couldn't win, trying to control something that was never mine to control in the first place. And so, I simply let them.
The Exhausting Cycle We're All Stuck In
Here's what I've learned about difficult people: the difficulty often isn't just them. It's ALSO the energy we burn trying to change them, fix them, make them see our perspective, or behave the way we need them to.
If someone doesn't show up for you the way you hoped - you ruminate. A friend creates constant drama? You strategise how to calm the chaos. A family member's choices clash with your values? You lie awake rehearsing conversations that might shift their thinking. A parent offends you - you bite back on autopilot and revert to the over-emotional, tantruming child from decades gone by. I know all this is zapping your energy and leaving you exhausted. Me too.
The person who exhausts you might be genuinely difficult. But what's equally exhausting - maybe more so - is your brain's desperate attempt to control what they do, think, or feel.
And neuroscience reveals that attempts to control what you fundamentally cannot control is literally rewiring your brain for stress. You are doing mental reps to strengthen this response, and it’s harming not helping you.
What Your Brain Does When You Try to Control Others
Research on the brain's stress response shows that our sense of control is central to how we perceive and cope with life's challenges. When we believe we have control over a situation, our stress levels remain manageable. But when we try to control things outside our influence - like other people's behaviour, thoughts, or choices - our brains activate the same threat response as if we're facing genuine danger.
The hypothalamus kicks into gear, triggering a cascade of stress hormones. Your body floods with cortisol. Your heart rate increases. Your breathing quickens. All of this might be helpful if you're escaping a predator, but that’s not the case here, is it? It's decidedly less helpful when you're simply trying to make someone understand your perspective or behave differently. Hello exhaustion!
What's worse … chronic stress from trying to control the uncontrollable actually changes your brain structure over time. The hippocampus (critical for memory and emotional regulation) can shrink. The amygdala (your threat detection system) becomes hyperactive. You become more reactive, more anxious, more depleted. This is not a fun place to operate from.
The irony is staggering: in trying to control someone else, you lose control of your own wellbeing.
Just let that sink in for a second.
The "Let Them" Theory That's Changing Lives
These two simple words have become a movement, thanks to author Mel Robbins, who popularised what she calls the "Let Them Theory." The concept is disarmingly simple: when someone is doing something you don't like, let them.
They're not inviting you? Let them.
They don't want commitment? Let them.
They create drama? Let them.
They make choices you disagree with? Let them.
At first glance, this might sound passive or even defeatist. What, don’t put up a fight? Don’t push back? Don’t challenge the wrongs or change things for the better??? No, you simply let them. And here's the profound shift: letting them doesn't mean accepting mistreatment or abandoning your boundaries. It means accepting that you cannot control another person's behaviour - and choosing to stop exhausting yourself trying.
The "Let Them" approach has two parts: Let Them (accept what you cannot control) and Let Me (reclaim your power to choose your response). The second part is where your actual agency lives, THIS is where your true power lies.
The Science of Acceptance (And Why It's Not Weakness)
Acceptance gets a bad reputation. We confuse it with resignation, with giving up, with being a doormat. What, just accept someone treating me poorly? Not showing up? Behaving awfully?
But acceptance, in the psychological sense, is something entirely different.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a framework that aligns beautifully with the "Let Them" approach. ACT research shows that trying to control or avoid painful thoughts, emotions, and experiences actually increases psychological distress. The struggle to control what we fundamentally cannot control becomes the problem itself. I have found myself in this exact situation so.many.times.
ACT proposes that psychological flexibility (the ability to stay present with difficult experiences while taking action aligned with your values) is the pathway to wellbeing. This means accepting thoughts and feelings as they are (even when uncomfortable), while committing to actions that matter to you.
Applied to relationships: you can accept that someone creates drama (that's their pattern, not yours to fix) while committing to protecting your own peace (that's your choice, entirely within your control).
Acceptance isn't passive. It's the opposite. Re-read that. It's actively clearing away the exhausting struggle against reality so you have energy for what actually matters. And it’s super powerful when you put it into practice.
My Friendship That Taught Me Everything
I had a friendship where our values no longer aligned. What once felt easy had become heavy. She'd share stories laced in lies that left me feeling disconnected and sad about where our relationship had ended up. Her choices felt chaotic to me. Our conversations circled the same territory - her seeking validation for decisions I couldn't support and me feeling distant and drained afterwards.
I tried everything. Gentle suggestions. Problem solving. Sharing concerns. Strategic distance. Nothing changed her patterns and the lies and drama just kept coming. Who was this person and what had she done with my friend? Every interaction left me wound up, mentally rehearsing what I should have said, strategising what I'd say next time and dreading her name light up my screen.
The turning point came when I stopped trying to change her and started accepting who she was. Not agreeing with her choices. Not pretending they didn't affect me. But genuinely accepting: this is who she is right now. This is how she shows up these days. Let her.
Something remarkable happened. When I stopped trying to fix or change her, I could finally see clearly what I needed. I needed less frequent contact. I needed lighter conversations. I needed to stop carrying her emotional weight as my responsibility. I needed to value my time, energy and other friendships more.
The friendship transformed into something more boundaried, less depleting. By consciously choosing to Let Her, she chose a different path, one that works for her and who she wanted to become. And that’s ok. There was more space for authentic connection with others in my life because I wasn't subtly pushing for her to be different and wasting my time and energy there anymore.
The Relationship Where Distance Created Closeness
There's another relationship in my life - one closer, more complicated - where stepping back actually improved things.
For years, I'd felt responsible for managing the emotional temperature. Smoothing over tensions. Interpreting behaviour. Trying to create the dynamic I thought we should have. Doing the work and carrying the load.
It was exhausting. And after a long time, I realised it wasn't working.
When I finally allowed myself to let them be exactly who they are, without my constant management, interpretation, or emotional labour, something unexpected happened. The relationship improved.
Not because they changed (though some slight evolution did happen naturally). But because I stopped bringing my own stress, resentment, and control into every interaction. I stopped trying to orchestrate outcomes. I stopped taking responsibility for things that weren't mine to carry.
There was relief. Less stress. More peace. More energy for what actually matters in my life. ‘Let them’ made things lighter.
When Your Brain Stops Fighting Reality
Here's what I notice now when I catch myself trying to control someone:
The tight chest. The mental rehearsal. The rumination. The strategising. The exhaustion. These are all signals that I've picked up something that isn't mine to carry.
"Let them" has become my reminder to put it down.
-Let them make that choice.
-Let them have that opinion.
-Let them not understand my perspective.
-Let them show up as they are.
And then my part: let me decide what I need.
Let me set a boundary.
Let me choose how much energy I give this.
Let me protect my peace.
Let me live according to my own values.
The energy we reclaim when we stop fighting the things we cannot change is a game-changer. Because that energy becomes available for the things we can influence - starting with ourselves.
What This Doesn't Mean
Let me be clear about what "let them" is not: It's not accepting abuse. If someone is behaving in ways that are harmful, dangerous, or crossing clear boundaries, "let them" doesn't apply. In that case - you remove yourself from harm.
It's also not about abandoning people who need support. Relationships can be tricky, family can be testing, people go through ups and downs and need you. If someone you love is struggling, "let them" doesn't mean withdrawing care and leaving them to suffer. It means not trying to control their process or take responsibility for outcomes only they can create. There’s a big difference there.
And this approach is not being a doormat. Setting boundaries, speaking your truth, and walking away when necessary are all compatible with "letting them." In fact, they're often the natural next step after acceptance.
"Let them" is about accepting reality as it is, not endorsing behaviour you disagree with or staying in situations that deplete you.
Life will always include friction—people who see things differently, relationships that require navigation, moments that challenge us. Not every discomfort needs a boundary or an exit strategy. Sometimes the most grounded response is simply accepting that someone shows up differently than you'd prefer, without taking on the exhausting work of trying to change them.
The skill is learning what to accept and what to act on. Where you can let go and where you need to protect yourself. Where you can coexist with difference and where you need distance. "Let them" gives you the clarity to tell the difference.
The Gift of Getting Your Life Back
Since adopting this approach, I've noticed something profound: I have reclaimed so much more energy. Energy I used to burn ruminating about why someone behaved a certain way? Now that energy is available for my own goals. Energy I spent rehearsing conversations that never landed the way I hoped? Now that’s available for creative projects that light me up. Energy I wasted trying to manage other people's emotional landscapes? Now all that good stuff is available for my family, my work, my wellbeing.
The people in my life haven't suddenly become perfect. Some relationships have naturally shifted to more appropriate distances. Some have deepened in unexpected ways. Some have stayed exactly the same. But my experience of them has transformed entirely. I'm less reactive. More grounded. Less anxious. More present. I live and let them… I've finally stopped fighting battles I cannot win.
Begin Here
Think about the person or situation that's been draining your energy lately.
The friend who doesn't show up the way you need.
The family member whose choices keep you awake at night.
The colleague who creates chaos you keep trying to calm.
What would happen if you just... let them?
What would you do differently if you truly let them be who they are? What energy would you reclaim? What would become possible?