I'm standing in the living room clutching a cup of tea and suddenly, I'm crying. My husband had casually asked “how was your day?” quite literally in passing, as he handed me the cup and walked into the other room. I thought my day had been fine, I thought I was fine, but suddenly a wave of exhaustion hit, my emotions swelled up and tears streaked down my face.
The truth is, I hadn’t admitted to myself that I'd spent the entire day running around non-stop after two little kids which was frantic, fun and at times chaotic … yet also feeling like I was drowning in my thoughts about work, life, chores … I felt stretched in too many directions and like I was spectacularly failing at it all. The inner voice that usually whispers had turned into a full-volume radio station: You're behind on everything. You forgot to email that client back. You didn’t make a grocery list. You haven’t showered yet. This house is a tip! When are you going to RSVP to that party? Have you sent off the proposal? Why can't you just get your life together like everyone else seems to?
Standing there and feeling this intense overwhelm in the moment, I remembered the "Name it to tame it" tactic. Two words that have become my lifeline when an emotional wave hits. But here's what took me longer to understand: the real magic happens when you name what's there without immediately trying to fix it.
The Science of Your Inner Storm
Here's what neuroscientist Dr Dan Siegel discovered about our brains: when we can name what we're feeling, we literally calm the emotional centres of our brain. His research using brain imaging shows that the simple act of putting feelings into words activates the prefrontal cortex - our brain's wise, calm decision-maker - and quiets the amygdala, our internal alarm system.
Think of it like this: your amygdala is that friend who sees a spider and immediately assumes the house is burning down. Your prefrontal cortex is the friend who says, "Actually, that's just a daddy long-legs, and it's more afraid of you than you are of it."
When we name our emotions - really name them, not just brush them off with "I'm fine" - we're essentially telling our brain, "I see you, I hear you, and you're allowed to be here."
But here's where many of us trip up: we think naming our emotions means we then need to change them straight away. The mindful approach teaches us something rather revolutionary and a little counterintuitive. Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is simply notice what's there, without trying to shift it at all.
The Inner Critic's Favourite Hiding Spots
Your inner critic is sneaky. It doesn't always show up as obvious self-attack. Sometimes it masquerades as perfectionism ("I just want to do my best work"). Sometimes it disguises itself as productivity ("I can't rest until everything is sorted"). And sometimes- my personal favourite - it pretends to be care for others ("I don't want to burden anyone with my problems").
Dr Kristin Neff's research on self-compassion reveals that our inner critic often believes it's protecting us. It thinks that if it criticises us enough, we'll somehow become invulnerable to criticism from others. Like having a security guard who's so strict about protecting the building that they won't let the actual residents inside.
But here's what decades of psychological research tell us: that internal security guard isn't keeping us safe. It's keeping us small.
The mindful approach invites us to notice the critic's voice without immediately arguing with it or trying to shut it up. We can observe: "Ah, there's that familiar voice telling me I'm not doing enough." No need to fight it or fix it. Just... notice.
Nature's Lesson in Noticing
Watch a storm pass through the trees. They don't pretend the wind isn't fierce. They bend with it, acknowledge its power, and wait for it to pass. They don't fight the storm or tell it it shouldn't be there. They simply... weather it.
Our emotions work the same way. When we try to ignore them or push them away, they tend to grow stronger, like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. But when we name them - really name them - and then allow them to exist without immediately trying to change them, we give them permission to move through us naturally.
It can be handy to keep an emotion wheel on your phone. Not because you’re overly emotional, but because sometimes "I feel rubbish" isn't specific enough for the brain to work with. Am I disappointed? Overwhelmed? Grief-stricken? Frustrated? Each emotion has its own texture, its own message, its own natural rhythm. You need to understand the nuances.
The Practice That Changes Everything
Here's how naming emotions actually works in real life, with a mindful twist:
Step 1: Pause and breathe. When you notice you're caught in an emotional whirlwind, take three conscious breaths. This isn't about changing anything yet — just creating a moment of space to notice what's actually happening.
Step 2: Get specific without judgment. Instead of "I feel awful," try "I feel overwhelmed and sad and maybe a little angry at myself." The more precise you can be, the more your prefrontal cortex can engage. But here's the key: you're not naming these feelings to make them go away.
Step 3: Add the magic phrase. "I'm noticing I feel..." This tiny language shift reminds your brain that you are not your emotions—you're the observer of them. And observers don't need to fix what they're observing.
Step 4: Allow without fixing. Here's where the mindful approach really shines. After naming what you're feeling, resist the urge to immediately change it. Simply let it be there. You might say to yourself: "Right now, anxiety is here. I don't need to make it go away. I can let it exist whilst I take care of myself."
Step 5: Acknowledge the wisdom. Ask yourself gently: "What might this feeling be trying to tell me?" But don't demand an immediate answer. Sometimes emotions need time to reveal their messages.
Step 6: Respond with kindness. Now that you've created space around your emotions, you can choose how to care for yourself. Maybe you need to rest. Maybe you need to have a difficult conversation. Maybe you just need to put the kettle on and call a friend. My most recent move was taking myself to a yoga class.
When Your Brain Resists
"But what if naming my emotions makes them bigger?" I hear this concern a lot, and it makes complete sense. We've been taught that acknowledging difficult feelings is somehow giving them power over us.
Research by psychologist Dr Matthew Lieberman shows the opposite is true. His UCLA studies demonstrate that when we avoid naming emotions, they actually intensify and last longer. It's like trying to ignore a smoke alarm … the beeping doesn't stop just because you're pretending not to hear it.
Your brain might also resist with: "This is too touchy-feely" or "I haven't got time for this." Here's what I tell my own sceptical brain: this isn't about becoming more emotional. It's about becoming more intelligent about the emotions you already have. And you don't need to change them to benefit from knowing them.
The mindful approach can feel particularly challenging for those of us raised to "pull ourselves together" or "get on with it." But notice: you're not wallowing or dwelling. You're simply acknowledging what's already there, which is actually quite practical when you think about it.
The Ripple Effect
Something beautiful happens when you start naming your emotions regularly without trying to fix them straight away. You begin to notice them earlier, before they've built up into overwhelming storms. You start responding to your needs before you're running on empty. You become more present with others because you're not using all your energy to manage unnamed feelings.
And perhaps most importantly, you start modelling emotional intelligence for everyone around you. When your colleague sees you say, "I'm feeling frustrated about this deadline, and I'm going to sit with that feeling whilst I figure out how to manage it," they get permission to be human too.
Self-Care That Actually Works
Self-care isn't all bubble baths and face masks (although those things can be lovely). It’s also developing the skills to navigate your inner world with compassion and wisdom. It's learning to be your own good friend instead of your own worst critic.
Naming emotions without immediately trying to change them is self-care at its most fundamental level. It's the practice of paying attention to your own experience with the same kindness you'd offer a dear friend —and good friends will listen first.
Back in the living room, I told myself: "I'm noticing I feel overwhelmed and exhausted and worried that I'm not doing enough. These feelings are allowed to be here." The knot in my stomach didn't disappear entirely, but it shifted. It became something I could be with instead of something I needed to fight against.
I went for a walk with my family, picked flowers with the kids, took some big deep breaths and admired the ocean views. Sometimes the most radical thing we can do is simply see ourselves clearly and let ourselves be human for a moment. This too shall pass.
Your emotions aren't problems to be solved—they're experiences to be witnessed.
This week, try naming one feeling each day with gentle precision, then practise simply letting it exist without needing to change it. Notice what shifts when you stop trying to fix your inner weather and start learning to be present with its natural patterns.
What emotion have you been trying to change rather than simply notice? Sometimes the feelings we're most eager to fix are the ones that most need our patient, mindful attention.