5 Ways to Build Genuine Confidence When It Doesn't Come Naturally
I stood to the side of the stage, my palms clammy and my mouth dry. I was up next with just seconds to go. My heart hammered against my ribs as I listened to my inner critic's greatest hits: You don't belong here. You can’t do this. What if you forget everything?
My name, applause, and with a smile, I walked out, looking across the sea of faces in the audatorium.
Here's what I've learnt after years of being a public speaker, studying confidence research and working with thousands of employees to raise their wellbeing levels: confidence isn't a personality trait you either have or don't have. It's a skill you can develop, even if (especially if) it doesn't come naturally.
The Confidence Confusion: What It Really Is (And What It's Not)
Let's start by clearing up some myths. Confidence isn't:
Being the loudest voice in the room
Never feeling nervous or uncertain
Having all the answers before you speak
Needing to prove yourself constantly
True confidence is something quieter and more powerful. It's the ability to act in alignment with your values, even when you feel uncertain. It's trusting that you can handle whatever comes your way, not because you're invincible, but because you've learned to navigate difficulty.
Dr. Amy Cuddy, whose research on embodied cognition changed how we think about confidence, puts it beautifully: "Confidence is not 'they will like me.' Confidence is 'I'll be fine if they don't.'"
Spotting the Difference: Genuine vs. Performed Confidence
We've all met people who seem supremely confident but something feels off. Here's how to spot the difference:
Performed confidence looks like:
Talking over others or dominating conversations
Name-dropping and constant self-promotion
Inability to admit mistakes or uncertainty
Defensive reactions to feedback
Needing to be right in every discussion
Whereas genuine confidence shows up as:
Comfortable with silence and listening deeply
Asking thoughtful questions without fearing judgement
Acknowledging what they don't know
Receiving feedback with curiosity rather than defensiveness
Standing firm on values whilst staying open to new perspectives
The difference here is that genuine confidence comes from internal security, while performed confidence masks internal insecurity.
What Science Tells Us: Nature, Nurture, and Neural Plasticity
Here's the empowering truth: whilst some people may have a genetic predisposition towards confidence, it's largely learnable. Dr. Carol Dweck's groundbreaking research on growth mindset shows that our brains remain changeable throughout our lives (including our capacity for confidence). This is why mindset is a core component of what I teach in my mental fitness training.
Neuroscientist Dr. Rick Hanson explains that our brains are naturally wired for negativity bias, scanning for threats and problems. But we can literally rewire our neural pathways through repeated positive experiences and intentional practice. Each time you act confidently despite feeling nervous, you're building new neural highways.
Studies from Stanford's Graduate School of Business found that confidence can be developed through what researchers call "enactive mastery experiences" (essentially, doing things that initially feel challenging and discovering you can handle them).
Real Stories of Confidence Building
Consider Oprah Winfrey, who was once fired from her first television job for being "too emotionally invested" in her stories. She spent years learning to trust her instincts and authentic voice, building unshakeable confidence through purposeful practice and self-compassion.
Or Amy Poehler, who describes herself as naturally anxious and prone to self-doubt. She built confidence through improvisational comedy (a practice that requires split-second decisions without knowing the outcome). "I had to learn to trust that my instincts were enough," she shares.
Even Michelle Obama speaks openly about imposter syndrome and building confidence throughout her career: "I had to learn that my voice mattered, even when it shook."
5 Science-Backed Ways to Build Genuine Confidence
1. Master the Confidence-Competence Loop
Start with what researchers call "progressive mastery" (deliberately choosing challenges slightly outside your comfort zone). Each small success builds evidence that you can handle uncertainty.
In the moment: Before a challenging conversation, remind yourself of three specific times you've navigated difficulty successfully.
Build over time: Create a "wins journal" where you record daily evidence of your capabilities, no matter how small. Your brain needs data to believe in your competence.
2. Practice Embodied Confidence
Dr. Amy Cuddy's research shows that our physiology directly impacts our psychology. When we change our posture, we change our presence—and our internal experience.
In the moment: Stand tall, shoulders back, take up space. Breathe deeply into your belly rather than your chest. Hold eye contact for an extra beat.
Build over time: Practice "power posing" for two minutes daily. Before important meetings, find a private space and stand like Wonder Woman (feet hip-width apart, hands on hips, chin slightly raised).
3. Reframe Your Relationship with Uncertainty
Confident people aren't fearless (they've learnt to act despite fear). Dr. Susan David's research on emotional agility shows that trying to eliminate nervousness backfires. Instead, notice it without judgement.
In the moment: When anxiety arises, say "I'm noticing I'm feeling nervous, and that's information. It means this matters to me."
Build over time: Keep an "uncertainty practice" (deliberately put yourself in low-stakes situations where you don't know the outcome). Order something new at a restaurant. Take a class in something you've never tried. Train your nervous system that uncertainty is survivable.
4. Develop Your Authentic Voice
True confidence comes from knowing and expressing your values, not from trying to be someone else. Research from Harvard Business School shows that authenticity is strongly correlated with leadership effectiveness.
In the moment: Before speaking in meetings, pause and ask: "What do I genuinely think about this?" Share that, even if your voice shakes.
Build over time: Identify your core values and practise expressing them in low-stakes situations first. Notice when you're performing versus when you're being authentic (your body will tell you the difference).
5. Build Your Support Network
Dr. Sherry Turkle's research on connection shows that confident people don't go it alone—they cultivate relationships that mirror back their worth and capabilities.
In the moment: Before challenging situations, connect with someone who believes in you. A thirty-second text to a trusted friend can shift your entire energy.
Build over time: Identify three people who see your potential clearly and make regular connection a priority. Join or create a group of peers who are also growing (confidence is contagious).
The Daily Practice: Small Actions, Big Changes
Building confidence is like strengthening a muscle (it requires consistent, intentional practice). Start with one strategy and practise it for two weeks before adding another. Notice what your body tells you about each approach. Some will resonate immediately; others may feel uncomfortable at first (often a sign they're exactly what you need).
Remember: the goal isn't to eliminate self-doubt entirely. It's to develop the ability to act in service of your values and goals, even when doubt is present.
A Final Truth About Confidence
Here's what that first big on-stage experience taught me: I gave the presentation with my heart still racing. My voice shook slightly in the first few seconds. And you know what? It was a success (not because I conquered my nervousness entirely, but because I used it as fuel to perform at my peak).
True confidence isn't the absence of fear or uncertainty. It's the willingness to show up as yourself, imperfect and whole, and trust that you belong in the spaces you occupy.
Which of these strategies feels most challenging to you right now? That's probably exactly where your growth edge lives. What would it feel like to try it this week, even in the smallest way? You don't need to wait until you feel confident to act confident. Start where you are, with what you have. Your future self is already proud of you for beginning.